I tried to reason with myself but I still could not comprehend why it happened to me. I tried to read between the lines what Allah SWT is trying to show me. I tried to seek solace by spending time with my family at dinner, hugging my husband and yet I was not at rest, not satisfied with the reasoning I came out with and could not let go of the incident.
I've been asking Allah SWT, what Allah SWT was trying to show me. Was it because I was proud of myself too much? Was it because I didn't really do a good job? I tried to defend myself but somehow I thought my action backfired and useless. Or things would start to unveil one by one that I haven't actually do a good job before my resignation? Was it because I laughed too much? At this point I still could not get the negative thoughts out of my mind. It made me feel inferior, scared and ashamed. Why? Why am I very afraid and nervous in front of the management? Why I felt overly concerned with the small hiccup and thought my world is going to be over? Until....
I woke early as usual and still could not be at peace about it. I got out of bed, solat tahajjud, taubat and hajat seeking relief from Allah SWT. Ya Allah, finally I found my peace. I was trying to recall my experience in the past few days. Among them was I was busy preparing telematch stuff for coming weekend, my cousin passed away on Sunday...and suddenly it struck me....
During the visit to my cousin's house, I couldn't empathize what the widow was feeling. Yes, I felt her loss but one thing I missed was how hard for her to accept the situation because it came as a shock. That Sunday morning was like any other day as my cousin (arwah) went out to jog nearby his house alone. Definitely his wife (now widow) didn't expect that was the last time she would see him.
How I relate this to my incident is now I know my reaction when I'm in shock. In my case, I felt relief having done a good job but later in the end was commented to improve in front of my management. That came as a surprise and I didn't expect the comment at all because I thought I did ok during the audit. To me this is a shocking news. So now I know how it feels like when I'm faced with a shocking news. I'll dwell and all the negative thoughts will start flooding in and poisoning my mind. I will start questioning why it happens, what I have done wrong. This is my reaction if I am in shock.....
The truth is, people don't actually care how I feel. OK, I may have done a mistake. I just need to accept it and do better next time. Yes, it was highlighted in front of the management, so what? 'She's a crap' they might say but should it affect me? It a way, I shall take note but don't have to feel overly concerned about it. Other people have worse experience than me and yet they survive. So I should too. Just get on with my life. There are other important things that matter to me and I should continue on.
About being too nervous and trying to avoid the management, it could be because of my childhood experience. I may have issues with authoritative figure....I may try to avoid them because I'm afraid of them. Afraid to be in front of them, afraid to converse with them. This may sound normal and common but I'm trying to figure out why. I should treat this behavior because my fear should only for Allah SWT.
Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah SWT as I feel at ease now and let gone be bygone. Thank you Allah for showing me the lesson learnt from this experience. Thank you Allah for letting me know the feeling of loss and how devastated my cousin's wife must have felt right now.....
