Does money matter?

This post is to provide check and balance for this post 'Reminder for Myself'

In that post, I listed some of the reasons what I want to do and the reasons I want to quit with no mention about what I will not able to do when I have no income anymore.

Before that, nak cerita pasal this week. This week memang sejarah sebab aku kena present 5 paper in a week! Alhamdulillah, Allah tenangkan hati aku, tak neves macam dulu. Dulu present 1 paper pun amik masa sebulan dia punya neves. Jantung macam nak gugur. Selagi tak abis meeting, selagi tu resah. Tapi kali ni memang tenang abis...tak tau la sebab aku tahu aku dah tak lama dah kat sini atau experience make you better. No objection from CEO and she was impressed with my blinking Powerpoint animation. Actually 1 paper lagi kena present next week sebab meeting to dah postpone ke next week. Does this experience would make me to rethink of quitting? Yes I like the feeling of accomplishment but when I remember the chaos that could crop up without knowing when, NO the experience can't stop my urge to quit....

Tinggal 3 bulan saja lagi since aku plan nak tender resignation in July. I don't want to face the craziness after that month. Dengar ura-ura company maybe nak offer VSS for 50 and above. Aku rasa tak sanggup nak tunggu....semoga aku ada rezeki lain nanti, yang penting aku kena usaha.

Aku ni dah bersedia ke yang aku akan tak semewah dulu sebab dah takda income? Camna nak bayar study loan? Nak bagi duit kat mak? Nak pegi jalan-jalan? Aku pun tak tahu. Aku doa kat Allah SWT supaya beri aku rezeki dan jalan supaya aku boleh maintain gaya hidup aku.

Sekarang ni aku rasa duit keluar macam air sedangkan aku beli barang-barang keperluan rumah saja. Aku takda beli baju, handbag selalu sangat tapi kenapa aku rasa macam aku takda duit? Aku kena cari keberkatan dalam duit aku supaya aku sentiasa rasa cukup.

So YES, money does matter but don't make it the only reason for whatever decision that you have to make....

Ujian Allah untuk aku

I had a bad day yesterday. Maybe it was not that bad but I felt so awful. I felt ashamed and couldn't let it go. I tried to reason with myself it was not that erroneous but I still felt crappy. I tried to forget about it to continue with my life but yet I couldn't get my mind not to think about it and felt dissatisfied, inferior.

I tried to reason with myself but I still could not comprehend why it happened to me. I tried to read between the lines what Allah SWT is trying to show me. I tried to seek solace by spending time with my family at dinner, hugging my husband and yet I was not at rest, not satisfied with the reasoning I came out with and could not let go of the incident.

I've been asking Allah SWT, what Allah SWT was trying to show me. Was it because I was proud of myself too much? Was it because I didn't really do a good job? I tried to defend myself but somehow I thought my action backfired and useless. Or things would start to unveil one by one that I haven't actually do a good job before my resignation? Was it because I laughed too much? At this point I still could not get the negative thoughts out of my mind. It made me feel inferior, scared and ashamed. Why? Why am I very afraid and nervous in front of the management? Why I felt overly concerned with the small hiccup and thought my world is going to be over? Until....

I woke early as usual and still could not be at peace about it. I got out of bed, solat tahajjud, taubat and hajat seeking relief from Allah SWT. Ya Allah, finally I found my peace. I was trying to recall my experience in the past few days. Among them was I was busy preparing telematch stuff for coming weekend, my cousin passed away on Sunday...and suddenly it struck me....

During the visit to my cousin's house, I couldn't empathize what the widow was feeling. Yes, I felt her loss but one thing I missed was how hard for her to accept the situation because it came as a shock. That Sunday morning was like any other day as my cousin (arwah) went out to jog nearby his house alone. Definitely his wife (now widow) didn't expect that was the last time she would see him.

How I relate this to my incident is now I know my reaction when I'm in shock. In my case, I felt relief having done a good job but later in the end was commented to improve in front of my management. That came as a surprise and I didn't expect the comment at all because I thought I did ok during the audit. To me this is a shocking news. So now I know how it feels like when I'm faced with a shocking news. I'll dwell and all the negative thoughts will start flooding in and poisoning my mind. I will start questioning why it happens, what I have done wrong. This is my reaction if I am in shock.....

The truth is, people don't actually care how I feel. OK, I may have done a mistake. I just need to accept it and do better next time. Yes, it was highlighted in front of the management, so what? 'She's a crap' they might say but should it affect me? It a way, I shall take note but don't have to feel overly concerned about it. Other people have worse experience than me and yet they survive. So I should too. Just get on with my life. There are other important things that matter to me and I should continue on.

About being too nervous and trying to avoid the management, it could be because of my childhood experience. I may have issues with authoritative figure....I may try to avoid them because I'm afraid of them. Afraid to be in front of them, afraid to converse with them. This may sound normal and common but I'm trying to figure out why. I should treat this behavior because my fear should only for Allah SWT.

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah SWT as I feel at ease now and let gone be bygone. Thank you Allah for showing me the lesson learnt from this experience. Thank you Allah for letting me know the feeling of loss and how devastated my cousin's wife must have felt right now.....

Psychosis and schizophrenia

Psychosis 

a collection of symptoms that affect the mind, where there has been some loss of contact with reality. During an episode of psychosis, a person’s thoughts and perceptions are disrupted and they may have difficulty recognizing what is real and what is not.

Schizophrenia 

Serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally. Schizophrenia may result in some combination of hallucinations, delusions, and extremely disordered thinking and behavior that impairs daily functioning, and can be disabling

Symptoms of schizophrenia may include:

psychotic symptoms, including hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking, speech, and movement

negative symptoms, like lacking emotional expression and social withdrawal

cognitive symptoms, such as difficulty paying attention or challenges using information they’ve learned

Communication with them:

Practice active listening. Alongside this, pay close attention to their body language to get a better understanding of their inner feelings, perceptions, and needs.

Be patient during conversations. Acknowledge and validate their feelings whenever you can, even if you don’t fully agree with their beliefs.

Allow them time to process. Because they may have trouble staying on track or gathering their thoughts during conversations, give them some time and space to process what you say.

Simplify information whenever possible. Break down information or tasks into simpler steps to help them understand what you’re saying. Talk in short, clear sentences whenever possible.

Encourage them. If they experience low motivation (a common symptom), offer encouragement and praise them when they complete tasks.

Recognize psychosis and give them space. If they appear to be experiencing an episode of psychosis, allow them enough time and space so they can reasonably recover. Seek help if you recognize safety concerns.

Dugaan yang Allah datangkan

 Ada 2 situasi yang menyedihkan terjadi sejak aku balik from Rome:

1. Adik ipar suami aku meninggal sebab kanser buat pinggang
2. Adik aku tidak berduit dan kuat berhutang

Yang 1st tu memang pengalaman pertama aku, di mana orang yang dekat meninggal di usia muda. Adik suami aku berumur 38 tahun, yang meninggal suaminya. Mereka mempunyai 5 orang anak, yang paling besar tingkatan 2 dan yang paling kecil lahir bulan Oktober 2022 tahun lepas. Suaminya buat operation buang hempedu bulan Feb 2023. After operation mula-mula tu dia nampak masih kuat, sempatlah duduk rumah mak mentua. Tapi air perut kat tempat belah operation tu tak kering-kering so dia kena warded balik. Kira dia keluar masuk wad jugak la dan 2 hari sebelum Hari Raya Aidilfitri hujung bulan April, dia masuk ICU sebab rasa susah bernafas. Mak mentua aku kata dia nampak sangat lemah dan tak berdaya.

Then while we were in Rome, dikhabarkan suami dia dah tiada. I stayed silence, same with my husband. What else is there to say, hanya mampu ucapan Innalillah dan berdoa semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya. Terkenang bagaimana nanti isteri nak membesarkan anak-anak yang masih kecil...

And last week, kami balik kampung since kami takda kat Malaysia semasa kejadian berlaku. My husband cuba mendapatkan gambaran situasi kewangan adiknya bila tonggak keluarganya dah tiada. Memang terkesan sebab gaji adiknya tidak sampai RM3,000. Nanti campur dengan pencen arwah mungkin dapat dalam RM4,500 untuk menanggung 5 orang anak yang masih dibangku sekolah dan kecil. Apa yang aku boleh bantu? Cuba carikan skim atau bantuan yang boleh meringankan beban kewangan dia. So aku tengah survey JKM, Baitulmal, Zakat dan Jabatan Pembangunan Wanita.

Yg ke2, kes adik aku suka pinjam tak bayar balik. Dia rajin meminjam dengan adik-beradik aku. Cara meminjam seperti terdesak tapi yang adik-beradik aku pelik kenapa baru dapat gaji dah terus takda duit. Dioghang suh aku selidik. Tahun lepas aku memang ada jumpa adik aku tu, mintak info gaji, pinjaman, transactions. Rupanya bank tahan gaji dia sebab masa 2nd moratorium aritu, bank tersilap bagi. Dia tak tanya bank so dia dah guna duit tu. Bila bank perasan and suh bayar balik, dia tak buat. So bank terus tahan gaji dia. Hal tu dia tak citer kat adik-beradik dan sanggup meminjam sana  sini. 

Adik-beradik aku jugak suspect dia ada main forex. Pelik betul la, duit takda tapi nak main forex tu kenapa....

Sebab aku dah jumpa dia sorang aritu and keadaan tak improve, aku call wife dia pulak untuk dapatkan cerita daripada sisi lain. Punyala susah nak bercakap dengan wife dia tapi aku bersangka baik je la.

Then finally last Saturday, dia call aku balik and aku terus tanya mengenai masalah kewangan adik aku. Ada cerita lain rupanya dan aku sebagai seorang perempuan mestilah paham perasaan seorang isteri bila ditipu. Pada aku adik aku memang dah buat salah, menipu dan mencuri duit isteri sendiri.

Camna cara nak selesaikan ni? Adik aku tu hutang dah keliling pinggang, pastu buat pasal pulak dengan isteri dia. Aku wassap adik aku keesokan harinya....cerita lain pulak. Peningla! 

So aku nak bersemuka dengan dioghang. Aku bagi masa sebulan untuk dioghang tetapkan tarikh.

Ya Allah! Kau kuatkan lah kami Ya Allah! Berikan lah buat fikiran yang boleh membantu menyelesaikan kedua-dua masalah ini....

Ticking the boxes

Hari tu rasa tak productive. Alhamdulillah harini rasa productive sikit sebab berjaya buat beberapa errands:

1. Gosok baju sekolah (Sabtu pagi). Alhamdulillah cuma kena gosok baju KAFA Lutfi saja (2 pasang)
2. Beli baju raya untuk the boys (Sabtu pagi). Sabtu pagi tu husband ada appointment massage and Jasmin ada appointment braces, both dalam pukul 11.00 am. So aku drop depa and park kat EVO (orang dah start shopping raya so Bangi Sentral dah start sesak). Tak kuasa aku nak shopping situ, aku pegi EVO Parkson dengan Kasyif. Aku suggest warna kuning untuk masuk dengan baju raya aku, tapi Kasyif prefer purple. Kat Parkson takda pulak kaler purple yang cun. Kebetulan ada agent BulanBintang bukak kat level 1. Orang tak ramai, aku suh Kasyif cari baju kot2 ada yang berkenan. Alhamdulillah ada walaupun kaler tak exact sangat. Cuma kat situ ada 1 set saja, tak boleh beli untuk Lutfi sekali. Dia kata nanti boleh order online. Aku belum order lagi setakat ni...
3. Bersihkan/ kemas porch (Sabtu petang). Haritu masa musim hujan lantai simen berlumut. Masa musim panas pulak, pokok kering macam nak mati. Pastu dengan bau kencing kucing, kasut bersepah. So aku kemaskan pokok-pokok, cuci simen and sort kasut yg tak nak masuk plastik (tapi belum masuk tong derma lagi).
4. Order hp stand (Sabtu petang). Benda ni patut dah lama beli untuk buat Youtube video. Ni baru nak order kat Shopee. Plan nak buat video bulan puasa ni...
5. Vacum atas (Ahad pagi). Lepas Subuh terus start (hubby takda, pegi Penang). Simpan beg2, tudung2 yang tergantung, sedut habuk, tukar cadar, lap apa yang patut.
6. Cuci toilet bawah (Ahad pagi). Memang kotor betul (ikut benchmark aku la) so rasa puas bila dapat cuci. Aku rasa nak beli rak letak bodywash kat dinding water heater supaya tempat sink aku tak semak sangat.
7. Lipat baju. 2 bakul ok (Ahad petang)...sambil layan Netflix kul 4.30 gitu. Dinner, aku outsource ke Kakak sebab dia nak keluar pegi Eco.

That was how my weekend ended. 

Harini budak2 start sekolah sessi 2023. Harini aku antar Kasyif and Lutfi (sebab abah dioghang belum balik). Lupa nak pesan kat Kasyif belajar elok-elok. kat Lutfi dah pesan dah.

Khamis ni juga start puasa. Aku kena start rancang menu.

Thank you Allah...permudahkan urusan ku. Semoga aku terus istiqamah mengaji dan berikan yang terbaik untuk keluarga ku.

Feeling unproductive

 Why la rasa malas sangat ni. Rasa macam tak productive sebab banyak menda tak buat....tak kemas rumah, tak cuci toilet, tak iron baju, tak basuh karpet, tak sort barang tak pakai, tak plan menu, tak mengaji, tak buat yoga...apa la yang aku buat selama ni? Sebelum ni big boss cuti, kerja pun manageable tapi apsal aku tak amik advantage? Balik pun lambat je. Brisk walk pun tak dapat, posting pun tak rancak...

Next week dah puasa. Isk, anak-anak pun akan masuk sekolah

Kemon, bangkit melawan MALAS!!!!!!

How do I want to write my story?

 I was reading back my previous posts and I wanted to come back to this question: 

How do I want to write my story?

I used to be self limiting, lack of confidence and have no plans to accomplish something. Then COVID 19 pandemic happened and I wondered whether life is nudging me to re-look my life...Am I happy with what I'm doing? Is this the life that I pictured in my mind? Other people seem progressing and I think I have not progressing toward my goals. What is my goal?

My goal was too general...Lead a happy life. So am I currently happy? Yes, to a certain extent. I have a loving husband, loveable kids, a job that provide benefits, able to do and buy what I want (although still thinking I can't afford a LV)....but I still feel I'm missing something.

• I want to re-write and reset my life
• I want to tap into my creative side
• I want to achieve something. I want to be able to earn a little bit from digital and social media (Youtube/IG/TikTok). I can imagine myself sitting at a desk for hours strategizing or producing videos.

There are so many things I need to do and learn to be able to accomplish these. I'm giving myself a challenge to work on myself

Wrapping Up Friday

Baru minggu ke 2 but I'm already feeling the heat! Argghhhh....cool, cool...I like it when I felt 'apa aku kisah, just get it done'. Baru la rasa laju buat kerja. Sebab most of the time memang rasa 'why am I still here?'. This is all about work...hate it. To like it, I want to do things I've never done before, for my own personal growth. Things like jawab ikut suka, really know the numbers, help others, take charge, step up.

Believe in Allah SWT, the best planner.

Aritu dok tercari-cari apa yang aku nak try buat this year. Last year dah try basic bertukang (konon!). Tahun ni maybe nak try buat video for Youtube. Target 1 video in 2023. Haha! 1 jek? Susah wooo nak buat content. Came across Vanessa Lau kat Youtube, memang detailed la sharing dia.

Lagi satu, the word re-invent yourself, mind shift. I want to alter my mindset whenever there's a negative feeling about something. And not to take time to think the negative things. Celebrate people...

Don't lose your focus. Rise and stride!

2 weeks ago aku memang lemau. Malas nak buat apa-apa. Masak tidak, buat kerja tidak, kemas rumah tidak, jaga makan tidak, kumpul steps pun tidak. Buang masa sahaja. Sebab nak year end agaknya so holiday mood sentiasa. But at the same time dok bising pasal berat badan dah naik, rumah tak ok, kerja ntah apa-apa...

Semalam aku amik cuti so pagi aku pegi jalan-jalan kat IKEA and petang pegi massage kat CurioSpa Bangi. Pagi tu boss ada wassap pasal kerja. Aku nego untuk antar proposal in Feb (sebab aku tengah nak abiskan tulis case study) tapi jawapan dia tu tak support langsung, membebel. Menyampah!

Alhamdulillah, aku mohon kat Allah supaya bagi aku semangat untuk jadi efficient balik. Hari ni rasa refreshed, tak sure sebab dah dapat urut badan atau  dah deeply thought about how to respond to unimportant things such as unfavourable remarks from the boss.

I kept reminding myself, takkan sebab 1 orang yang tak penting dalam hidup aku menyebabkan aku lose everything. Biar dia dengan dunia dia, yang penting aku keep progressing and developing my strengths. Don't let unfortunate events causing you to lose focus of what's important in your life.

So dengan semangat baru, hari ni aku nak settle apa-apa yang penting and start planning for 2023.

Satu yang tak achieve tahun ni. Sedih sebab macam tak dapat nak khatam sekali lagi in Dec seperti yang aku target. Sebab last week dah period and pastu tak plan apa-apa camna nak cover. Ada lagi dalam 100 lebih pages....

What is my IKIGAI

 Had a good talk with husband before we doze off to sleep last night. I was trying to pour my heart out why I want to resign. First i thought it was because I felt that I'm being underpaid. Apparently not when we referred to Jobstreet Salary Report 2022. Well, I'm on the median side so depends how we intepret 'underpaid'.

We even referred to IKIGAI chart finding out where do I fall in to. I think I'm either in No. 1 or No. 4. Although I can do my job, I myself feel something is missing. Why do I want to quit? I can't imagine me working at my current company for the next 5 years!

Apparently I'm in No. 1 or No. 4

Why now?

I said I have accepted that is my rezeki and tried to stay on my job. I'm OK as long as I get to do what I want to and have time to focus on my personal life. I noticed I only brought up this matter lately. I have been patient for 15 years and why do I want to resign now? He said probably it started during the pandemic where we stayed at home a lot and because when WFH, there's no boundaries between work and personal matters.

Am I not being grateful for what I have?

He said we have not been challenged enough thus I'm not grateful for what I have (indirectly). He referred to posts from fb of his friends who shared their experiences and had gone through a lot of downs.

I may disagree with him here. Wanting more does not mean we are not grateful...

He told me about a pakcik he met last weekend back in Perlis. The uncle was telling how hard his life was to raise 2 kids. He was poor but he persistently and patiently worked on his paddy field. Sabar, bersyukur, ikhlas were the key words.

I don't want to brag but I also have been patient, sincere in my job and grateful for what Allah SWT has given me...for 15 years. 

Problem with my mindset

I said my problem is my mindset which stopped me from moving out from my current job. Fear of the unknown, whether I can perform well. I also used to dislike challenges whereas challenges are good. I quote Jim Rohn's 'don't wish for things to get easier, wish you were better'. 

I want to accomplish something

At this age now, I don't think to find another job would be a good move. I think it's not about the job, it's about I wanting to venture into something else. I said to my hubby, I feel like I want to accomplish something...yes! that is my why. I think I have done something great in my job but....I dunno how to shout about it.

So what do I want to do?

The problem is I have not found what I want to do hence I'm still on the job. That's the only thing that stopping me from pursuing something else.

My husband is a realist. Sometimes it's good to have a talk with him to challenge me who is somewhat optimistic and emotional. We can balance out the pro and cons.

How do I want to write my story?

In the end, I said to him the uncle have a story to tell 'Pakcik dulu miskin dan berusaha untuk menyara dan menyekolahkan anak dengan bersabar dan ikhlas dalam pekerjaan'...

so how do I want to write my story?

Motivation and personal goals

Motivation...motivation to quit my job...

Quotes from Denzel Washington

Make sure you have something to fall forward to, not fall back on

It will be frightening but rewarding

Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship

Without commitment, you'll never start

Without consistency, you 'll never finish

It's not easy, if it were easy.....

If you hang around a barber shop long enough, eventually you'll get a haircut. You will catch a break....

Dream without goals are just dreams, and ultimately fuel disappointment

Have dreams but also have goals...life goals, yearly goals, monthly goals

Don't confuse movement with progress.....Just because you're doing a lot more, do not mean you are getting a lot more done

In order to achieve goals, must apply discipline and consistency. You have to work at it....you have to plan every day

Hard work works. Working really hard is what successful people do

What are you going to do with what you have? It's not about how much you have, it's what you do with what you have...We all have different talents

The most selfish thing to do is helping others...why it's selfish? Because the gratification the good feeling that you get when helping others...

You only live once...do what you passionate about

Don't just aspire to make a living, aspire to make a difference

Technology or waste of money?

 Aku baru teringat....sebelum in tahun 2010 ke sebelum tu, aku ada beli pants yang kononnya boleh buat kita berpeluh lebih and boleh kecik kan peha....masa aku berjaya lose weight 2013 onwards, aku rasa membazir gila beli dan aku tahu sebenarnya tak boleh percaya menda-menda camni.

Kali ni aku terjebak lagi, the stake is even higher RM768! Seluar Kondenshi Aulora. Aku tak tau la ok ke tidak ni, baru pakai 2 hari. Tumit kaki aku masih takda perubahan, masih lagi sakit...takpa, aku ikhtiar saja. Test dulu, kalo rasa tak berbaloi, cakap je kat member tak rasa apa-apa perubahan. Anggap je la ni jarih untuk bisnes kawan....

Hari ini dalam sejarah (ke 3)!

Hari ni first time aku akan attend syndication ke Board of Directors (BoD) sebab ganti boss aku kena Covid. Aku catat sini sebab aku macam nak track mini achievements and practices done in terms of improving communication and presentation skills. 

 Alhamdulillah seperti ada perubahan sejak aku dah rajin baca Al-Quran. Aku dah tak nervous ya amat macam selalu. Sikit-sikit tu biasa la. Kalau dulu, mau seminggu pikir pasal presentation sampai mengganggu tidur. Fokus sangat kat presentation sampai keje pun ada lambat sikit buat. Sekarang mindset aku dah berubah...ini semua hal dunia. Buat saja, bergantung harap la kepada Allah SWT supaya semua berjalan lancar. Kalau orang marah, iya kan saja tapi kalau kita ada point nak cakap, cakap dan jangan simpan. Orang nak terima tak terima belakang kira. Kalau tak OK, Allah SWT nak bagi pengajaran supaya kita improve. 

Yang penting, aku kena up saham akhirat kalau nak masuk syurga. Baca doa banyak-banyak supaya orang paham apa kita cakap, orang nasihat bukan marah dan aku akan dapat sesuatu daripada pengalaman tersebut. Betul la orang kata. Dekat kan diri dengan Allah SWT. Allah itu Maha Mendengar dan Maha Pengasih. Ya Allah, Kau permudahkan urusan ku harini, lancarkan lidah dan minda ku, sesungguhnya Engkau Penciptaku....Allahuakbar!

The experience

It was a syndication session with En Nizam ANIMONSTA. My CEO yang banyak cakap, aku tambah sikit-sikit je...haha! Takpalah, pengalaman tu yang mahal. 

Buttons they have received

Lepas syndication, En Nizam bawak tour office dia...best, vibe orang muda dan modern. Siap bagi momentos lagi. Balik citer kat anak, excited dia dengar....

Thank you very much ANIMONSTA!

Rezeki berjumpa dengan guru sekolah menengah

Hari ini dalam sejarah… Actually hari Sabtu 23hb aritu..Jumpa 2 of my teachers in secondary school and this is my story....

Cikgu Netball - Puan Nor Zamani (she is the Ketua Pengarah Pelajaran Malaysia 2022 but retiring in July 2022)

Ada majlis penyampaian hadiah kat SGS hari Sabtu for SPM 2021 who scored 9A/8A. Jasmin is one of the recipients. Originally, memang plan nak attend la. Sekali Jasmin dapat wassap kata dia dapat interview biasiswa PNB on the same day. So dia tak dapat datang and mintak kakak dia jadi wakil. So plan sekarang dah tukar, Abah antar Jasmin pegi interview…aku pegi SGS dengan Irdina.

Kena pegi awal sebab event start kul 9.00 pagi. Tapi Irdina baru nak masuk tido masa aku bangun pukul 4.30 pagi. So aku cadangkan bawak Kasyif instead of Irdina. Boleh bagi some motivation jugak kat dia.

Memula memang nak suh Kasyif wakilkan Jasmin, tapi bila pikir sume pompuan kesian pulak. Sectretariat dah siap-siap asingkan award recipient. Mesti dia tak selesa duduk dikelilingi perempuan. Nampaknya aku jugak la yang kena naik pentas.

So aku kena duduk dengan students SPM yang lain. Allah nak bagi rezeki, seat aku memang kat hujung kat belah lorong red carpet laluan VIP masuk. So aku duduk la. Bila VIP masuk, ntah kenapa aku dapat bertentang mata dengan Puan Zamani. She smiled at me. I felt excitement somehow when got to meet someone from my past....

I already knew Puan Zamani is the VIP but I’ve not given any thought to approach her on that day. I looked up to Puan Zamani very much until today. She’s nice but strict makes me remember her dearly. Perasaan aku masa tu rasa nak sangat tegur Puan Zamani...

Then dada..dada.da…the ceremony went on…I was hoping Puan Zamani would be presenting the awards for SPM 2021 so I could say something to her but it was another VIP.  Kalau ikutkan 'aku yang dulu', I would have said 'takde rezeki'. Tapi aku rasa macam Allah SWT melorongkan aku supaya tegur Puan Zamani: 

• aku yang jadi wakil instead of Irdina or Kasyif
• dapat duduk tepi tempat VIP lalu, 
• Puan Zamani bertentang mata dengan aku

Aku yang sekarang

Aku still rasa macam nak tegur dia jugak tapi tak tahu bila masanya yang sesuai yang aku boleh tegur. Then aku nekad. Aku plan bila ceremony dah abis, aku akan tegur dia bila dia lalu sebelah aku masa nak keluar. Nervous jugak and I was confused on how to address her. Datuk ke, Puan ke, Cikgu ke….I have so much to say to her….apa yang aku ingat dia ajar. Shoot 100 kali before training….dapat makan KFC setiap kali jadi johan sbb dia belanja…arghh! Panjang citer ni. Boleh ke nak cakap ni? Mana tahu ada orang akan stop aku sbb ganggu majlis.

Then majlis pun tamat. Puan Zamani pun lead lalu red carpet untuk keluar. Aku terus panggil ‘Puan Zamani!’ and she stopped. Aku cakap ‘Dulu Puan ajar saya netball kat TKC’ and she was so surprised! I wished I could continue but I just wished her ‘terima kasih dan selamat bersara’…

I still remember her facial expression. Macam dia nak cakap lagi tapi sbb dah ada scheduled arrangement kot. I think she said ‘Ya Allah!’ muka dia macam tak sangka ada anak murid netball dia kat dalam dewan tu. Then I said ‘nanti kita amik gambar ya’ and she said ‘Sure!’ I loved it so much that made me want to wait and take a pic with her. 

Allah SWT bagi rezeki lagi, aku terserempak pulak dengan Cikgu Ahmad Bidin sementara tunggu Puan Zamani di bilik Pengetua.

Pic shared by Fini. Aku tak sempat bergambar 
dengan dia..sob2

Cikgu Maths: Cikgu Ahmad Bidin (viral masa dia bersara sebab dapat hadiah kereta daripada Kurshians)

Masa tu Puan Zamani dah masuk bilik Pengetua, pastu ada makan-makan kot sebab pengetua2 dari sekolah lain ada datang untuk bid dia farewell. Tiber Cikgu Ahmad Bidin lalu sebelah aku. Kalau 'aku yang dulu, aku malu nak tegur sebab tahu dia bukan ingat aku sebab aku low profile.

Aku yang sekarang

Aku betul-betul tak sangka dapat jumpa Cikgu Ahmad! Aku tegur dia. Kalau sebelum ni mungkin aku buat diam je sebab aku tahu aku tak significant. Bila En Ahmad tanya aku sapa, aku kata ‘Cikgu tak kenal kot, saya low profile’ kuang3x….pastu dia tanya ‘Ada buat jahat dengan saya tak?’…terkejut aku dapat soklan camtu... Aku terpaksa mengaku ‘ada…yang pernah sembunyikan motor cikgu’....then he replied ‘Ooooo, ni yang group tu ek’...I was on high, I didn't know why. I even shared the moment to my batch group wassap. The old me don't do all these things. Aku tanya dia apa dia buat after bersara and in the end, aku pun ucap terima kasih dengan Cikgu Ahmad Bid,...

Bila En Ahmad sergah 'ada buat jahat dengan saya  tak?'...

Syukur ke hadrat Allah SWT

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for this lovely feeling…dapat jumpa 2 guru yang sememangnya aku teringin nak jumpa untuk ucapkan terima kasih. Semoga Allah membalas jasa-jasa mereka yang tak pernah lelah mengajar aku. Ampunkan lah dosa-dosa mereka, masukkan lah mereka ke syurga FirdausMu. Rahmati dan berkati lah hidup mereka Ya Allah!

Terima kasih Allah kerana telah melorongkan peluang ini. Hari ini banyak memberi pengajaran kepada aku

·       Perasan teruja bila berjumpa dengan orang-orang dari masa lalu ku. Peristiwa ini mengingatkan aku kembali tentang potensi diri. Aku boleh kalau aku yang nak. You've been excellent in your past but you tend to keep it to yourself and quiet when I'm an adult...be yourself...you are not that bad...

Get out of your comfort zone!

Mei dah selamat berlalu, aku pun dah selamat raya sebulan. Mei tu bulan raya Syawal kan, seronok makan dan jalan-jalan la. I did a few things worth mentioning. Nanti aku kabor ya...

Joining high school reunion

Hari ni nak cerita how I was contemplating whether to join my school reunion or not. Nak jawab survey form je pun. Aku jawab juga in the end bila aku teringat, Allah kata sambungkan siratulrahim, buat baik etc. So aku jawab survey tu dengan jujur, tak mau jadi committee tapi ok je kalau nak assist.

Then aku pikir balik, apsal masa reunion dulu tu susah benor aku nak join. Malas nak mingle alasannya. Tapi if I dig myself deeper, sebenarnya reason aku common je. The common reason people don't want to go to reunion...segan dengan member. Segan sume la...depa berjaya, aku tak. Depa kurus, aku tak. Depa glamer, aku tak. Depa kaya, aku tak. All these insecurities standard la cara pikir  masa aku muda-muda dulu. Bila dah matang ni, dah ingat akhirat so lain dah cara pikir tu.

Jalinkan balik persahabatan (kalau masih ada). Kalau takda, at least dapat jumpa member2 lama. Jumpa tang tu je la...lepas tu hang ingat depa akan contact ko ke....tak kot. Masing2 kan dah ada haluan masing-masing. So why worry, just go and have fun!

I'm doing this for myself, to do things that is outside my comfort zone. Go and meet people and at least I've got something to write about.

Other benefits include as a target to lose weight. Event tentative in Oct-Nov. Berat aku sekarang ni kira paling berat la, 76kg. Perut geleber abis.

So I'm part of the team for venue and catering lead by Airin. Tadi aku ada call la 2 venue: Sekebun Bunga (Batang Kali) dengan The Hidden Valley (Kajang) for quotation. Try call Bora Ombak tak angkat-angkat.

Try cari event hall kat Shah Alam, belum jumpa pulak.

Tengok Airin dok post villa from Airbnb. Dia nak cam rumah/villa kot which to me OK jugak. Santai sikit. Event hall cam formal kan...pastu kita dah tahu suasana dia camna.

Sekebun Bunga tu cute nama dia tapi jauh la ke Batang Kali sana, dalam 2 jam naik kereta ok. Dia memang tulis boleh fit 100 pax for event. Dalam hutan, ada sungai...sapa suka outdoor mesti suka. Memang takda catering so kena arrange sendiri. Aku pikir kalau jauh gini, kita sediakan bas la untuk attendees...haha! Baru rasa cam zaman sekolah dulu! Most probably tak amik yang ni kot, tengok la caner.

The Hidden Valley kat Sungai Ramal jek, dekat la pulak. Bagus jugak. Senang nak pi. Aku pernah pegi wedding kat situ. Modern la villa dia. Ada provide buggy sebab parking kat tanah lot lain.

Nanti aku update lagi yek....

Cela

 Alhamdulillah. Segala puji bagi Allah SWT, Tuhan yang memiliki sekalian alam. Yang memiliki hati manusia, Yang berkuasa ke atas sesuatu.

Mengaji la....baca la Al-Quran sesungguhnya ayat-ayat Al Quran itu adalah kata-kata daripada Allah...last week aku ada baca terjemahan surah Al-Maidah ayat 54. Apa yang lekat kat aku ialah ayat 'tidak takut kepada celaan orang yang mencela'...aku rasa ia menjawab kepada kenapa aku tidak perlu takut pada apa yang orang lain kata. Ikut la, kalo orang tu nak marah, memperkecilkan kita sekalipun, jangan takut...

Sebelum ni memang ada motivational quotes about being brave tapi tak berapa melekat. Aku still risau apa orang lain assume and takut sangat kena marah. Tapi yang ini...ini adalah kata-kata daripada Allah SWT, apa lagi yang aku nak ragukan?

Kalau kena marah, ingat Allah itu ada. Allah tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Allah akan lindungi kita. Takwa kita kepada Allah SWT yang akan menyelamatkan dia. Ingat, dunia ini urusan Allah SWT....jika kita sudah buat kerja sehabis baik, serahkan selebihnya kepada Allah SWT...

Salur air tersumbat

 Aku berjaya menyelesaikan masalah salur air tersumbat di rumah aku! Yeay!

Salur yang aku maksudkan ni berada kat dapur aku. Actually tu salur untuk washing machine and contractor sambungkan sinki dapur sekali. Salur water filter pun keluar ikut situ tapi aku rasa water filter takda affect apa-apa sangat.

Masalah berlaku dah lama tapi selalu mintak tolong suami settlekan...dia akan godak kot salur air tu pastu macam dah ok. Then tak lama dalam 6 bulan kot, jadi balik...air akan melimpah so kawasan washing machine tu akan banjir. Sib baik dekat dengan pintu belakang. So aku scrape air banjir tu guna scraper cermin keluar ikut pintu belakang tu.

Mula-mula berlaku tu dia jarang-jarang la...pastu tahun ni la yang kerap.

Beberapa solution

Aku pernah tanya mak aku pastu dia suggest guna serbuk untuk sinki yang jual kat Cosway sebab dia pernah guna and effective. Mak aku kata nanti keluar ketulan dari salur....agaknya ketulan lemak atau minyak.

Sebelum ni aku ada beli cam liquid kat Mr DIY or kedai hardware and tuang kat salur tu. Masa tu berkesan la pastu jadi balik. Tapi aku ada terbaca jangan selalu guna liquid tu sebab dia some sort like acid. Nanti akan affect material salur tu. So aku pun takut jugak nak guna banyak-banyak.

Husband aku pun pernah guna soda bicarbonat and air panas. Sama jugak, masa tu berkesan lah tapi tak lama.

Aku ada beli kat Cosway 6 botol serbuk tu. Masa mula-mula, memang sekali guna aku abiskan 1 botol. Mak aku kata kena buat selalu so masa yang rajin tu aku memang buat at least 2-3 seminggu (tapi sikit-sikit, bukan tuang 1 botol sekali gus). Masa tu effective la...aku pun happy. Ni citer bulan Disember aritu

Macam nak give up

Tapi pagi tadi air melimpah lagi! Memang dah give up dah sebab tak tau dah nak buat apa...nak mintak husband aku panggil plumber je. Pastu aritu husband aku kata ke nak tebuk lubang kat dinding, bagi air tu keluar terus ikut dinding ke belakang. 

Pagi tadi, mula-mula tu memang menyirap darah. Aku nak biarkan je air tu, malas nak scrape...tapi aku buat juga. Aku alihkan ke depan recycle bin and trolley yang aku letak celah tu ke depan. Dalam hati, sabar je la...buat je la apa yang patut. Kalo banjir, scrape. Pasrah dah...

Ketulan lemak

Tapi memang pagi tadi, bunyi salur tu dah kronik cam kuat sikit dari biasa. Aku test bukak air from sinki dapur nak tengok air kat salur tu naik sampai mana and banjir tak. Sekali tu, air dia nampak kuning-kuning kotor gitu, sikit lagi nak melimpah ke lantai. Eh! Nape air dia kuning ek? Sebelum ni airnya taklah kotor sebab air bilas baju. Aku ada nampak jugak benda kuning terapung-apung (mcm najis terapung kat toilet pulak!) Yucks!

Masa tu washing machine tengah mode 'rinse' dan kejap lagi akan keluarkan air bilasan yang terakhir. Kalo aku tak korek salur tu, memang air kuning tu akan melimpah ke lantai! Adoii! Lagi payah nanti! So aku cepat-cepat cari kayu kat luar. Alhamdulillah ada and aku cepat-cepat godak salur tu, nak cari menda yang terapung tadi. Sebab aku baru teringat, mak aku pernah kata nanti keluar ketulan lemak, aku agak menda kuning tu la ketulan lemak and dah keluar dari salur sinki dapur tu. 

Aku takda geli dah sebab tahu ketulan tu datang dari bahan yang aku masak juga. Aku godak, cari and angkat ketulan daripada salur tu dengan tangan. Tak sempat nak cari sarung tangan sebab jap lagi air daripada washing machine akan keluar....

Bila aku dah keluarkan benda kuning tu, barulah paras air dah tak naik dah ke aras lantai. Laju je air daripada washing machine tu turun. Ya Allah! Lega rasa tak terhingga! Aku berjaya!

Maintenance

Lepas ni kena rajin letak serbuk pipe Cosway tu supaya ketulan tu tak besar sangat and menyumbatkan salur air tu. Aku plan nak letak seminggu sekali

Pengajaran

Ya Allah! Apakah pengajaran yang Kau cuba nak tunjukkan Ya Allah? Adakah kesabaran dalam kesusahan? Jangan berhenti berharap kepadaMu? Lakukan apa yang aku mampu dah tawakal kepadaMu? Jangan mengeluh?

Aku amat bersyukur Ya Allah! Sesungguhnya urusan dunia adalah milikMu dan aku tak mampu menanganinya tanpa pertolongan daripadaMu...

Happy New Year 2022

 Dah 10 hari masuk tahun 2022. Alhamdulillah, syukur ke hadrat Allah SWT kerana dengan pertolonganNya aku berjaya mengharungi 2021 yang pada awalnya aku sangat stress memikirkan macam mana nak hadap dengan segala macam perubahan in terms of work tasks, subordinate cuti bersalin, boss pulak nak bersara....memang dah tahap 'nyawa kat hidung' aku rasa nak quit...tapi aku masih lagi meneruskan kehidupan dengan bekerja makan gaji buat masa ni. Walaupun sekarang dah rasa lega sikit sebab boss baru dah masuk, subordinate pun dah naik kerja dan aku lebih bersedia untuk 'embrace change' tapi niat untuk berenti kerja sebelum terlambat belum lagi padam. 

Saham

Aku dah tak rasa ada hati nak buat kerja...aku nak amik masa belajar pasal trading/unit trust/saham and take action on them. Aku nak merancang target kewangan walaupun aku dah rugi masa (investment start awal baru untung banyak). Memang masa aku cakap kat husband aku niat nak berenti kerja, waktu tu aku tak boleh jawab soklan 'kalo berenti nak buat apa'... sekarang macam aku tahu jawapan tapi belum amik tindakan...aktiviti yang boleh mendatangkan duit ialah main saham tapi aku belum beli saham apa-apa pun. In December, aku dah apply 2 IPO tapi tak lepas. Pastu ada niat nak apply IPO 'Fresh Farm' kat MITI Saham Online tapi terbantut sebab kena ada at least RM30,000.

My target for Y2022 sama cam tahun lepas, start beli and trading saham...make (a lot of) or lose (minimal amount of) money via trading

Weight Management

I weighed 75.5kg on 4 Jan 2022. Wow! Memang pinggang and punggung rasa besar. Pakai skirt/seluar pun rasa sendat. Sebab aku memang tak jaga makan, tak exercise. Dulu tak makan dinner (lower calorie intake) tapi sekarang makan nasi bertambah-tambah, portion tak jaga.

Aku inspired to start bila tengok kakak ipar aku exercise. Dulu dia 3 kali ganda daripada aku, sekarang dia dah lost about 30kg. So aku target to lose 15kg within 1 year or 65kg by 31 Dec 2022. The important question is how am I gonna do it...I'll get to the details in a separate post.

Other

Apart from these 2, what else I'm planning to do in 2022?

• Able to make money at least RM5,000 from trading
• Care for my kids, family and friends more
• Khatam Al Quran 3 kali. Tahun lepas dapat 2 kali
• Beli emas dalam RM10,000. Kalo harga RM245 segram dalam 40g
• Monitor performance unit trust

P/S: aku perasan, bila buat calculation, analyze itu ini....I don't mind spending hours on it

My long lost friend Zied

Alhamdulillah, seperti Allah SWT mengabulkan wish aku untuk contact balik my long lost friend, Zied.  Aku ada contact dia sekali sekala, tapi dia jawab sepatah dua saja. Paling recent ialah 2018, itu pun tak cakap banyak....aku pernah melukakan hati dia dulu, so I thought maybe dia masih marah kat aku.

Then this year she contacted me and I was thrilled! Pastu dia ada balik Msia in Sept and duduk rumah kakak dia which is near to my house. Sebelum ni kalo dia balik Msia dia takda inform aku tapi dia kata memang tak sempat pun kalo nak jumpa sebab packed dengan jumpa family/sedara mara. Aku paham dan aku takda terasa hati pun.

After flight sebab tengah COVID ni, dia kena self quarantine dulu. So masa dia nak potong gelang, kakak dia tak dapat antar dia kat Klinik Kesihatan so aku volunteer nak amik/antar dia. Rasa best sebab dapat bantu dia. Then dia lepak umah aku jap....we make plans for the weekend. Aku ajak dia gi spa and dia OK nak buat mani/pedi so I booked CURIO SPA on Saturday. Dengan anak lelaki dia sekali buat mani/pedi....haha!

Thank you Allah pertemukan kami semula. Physically she hasn't changed a lot but the way she speaks, she's a lot pious than me! I pray to Allah SWT lindungi la dia dari mara bahaya, fitnah dunia dan tetapkan imannya...semoga dipermudahkan urusannya, tabah dan bahagia dunia dan akhirat.

Gafi dah pergi, semua dah pergi kecuali Puteh

 Aku pernah cerita pasal Gafi kat sini Since dia datang in 2019, dia dah beranak 4 kali and stay kat umah aku. Anak dia sikit-skit

• 1st: Lolli Jun 2019
• 2nd: Oreo and Popo Mar 2020
• 3rd: Puteh Mar 2021
• 4th: Zorro July 2021

Masa dia lahirkan Zorro, dia beranak dalam washing machine aku tapi dia experience pro lapse. Aku tak dapat antar dia ke klinik straight away sebab kena settle kan kerja. Esoknya baru aku pergi ke klinik, vet buat surgery buang rahim and dia warded for 3 days.

Balik from klinik, sepatutnya kena kurung dia for 2 weeks untuk jaga jahitan dia. Aku pulak kesian, kurung 1 minggu je pastu biarkan dia jalan-jalan dalam rumah. Ubat memang bagi, makan bagi juga tapi Gafi macam tak berselera. Sbb sakit rasanya...

Iskkk...sedih rasanya bila nak tulis ni...Gafi lama dah tak balik rumah, menghilangkan diri. Orang kata bila kucing tahu ajalnya nak sampai dia akan menghilangkan diri.

Zorro anak yang last tu pun survive seminggu saja. Kalo Gafi tak sakit, rasa Zorro akan hidup sebab Gafi sayang anak-anak dia, pandai jaga anak. Kami cuba feed Zorro, still tak survive. Mulanya Zorro kuat mengiau, tapi selepas beberapa hari suara dia makin lama makin lemah. The day yang aku notice suara Zorro dah lain, itu la hari terakhir dia. Kasyif cuba nak feed dia but then Zorro dah kaku....

Oreo

Sebelum tu, Oreo pun sakit kena virus. Perut jadi kembung sebab banyak cecair dalam badan, then susah bernafas. Virus tu memang typical kena kat kucing. Aku ada bawak pegi klinik, vet cuba keluarkan cecair berlebihan tu untuk legakan dia bernafas and bagi ubat. Tapi daripada nada vet tu, harapan 50-50. Hari terakhir dia ialah sehari selepas aku bawak pergi klinik. Dia duduk kat porch luar. Dia tak larat nak berjalan dah. Bila tengahari, dia terjemur kat panas. Kasyif angkat alihkan ke tempat redup...memang itu saat-saat terakhir dia. 1st time kucing mati sebab sakit di rumah kami. 

Oreo ni aktif, suka main. Dia pernah beranak juga. Kesian dia muda lagi dah mengandung. Sebab dia muda, dia tak pandai beranak. Selalu kucing cari tempat sembunyi kan, dia tak. Dia tak tahu, anak-anak aku witnessed proses beranak dia...berdarah-darah semua. And dia takda jilat-jilat anak dia. Siap ada sekor keluar 1 jam selepas yang 3 ekor yang lain. Isk, serious tak reti nak handle camne...tapi anak-anak dia semua mati. Mungkin Oreo pun tahu anak-anak dia memang takda harapan, sebab tu dia tak jilat.

Lolli baru dalam 2 bulan kot, sihat, comel tapi mati kena langgar.  

Popo hilang/sesat atau orang amik sebab dia memang comel. Suspect orang amik sebab dia tak balik-balik rumah whereas dia selalu berdua dengan Oreo.

Sekarang Puteh saja yang tinggal. Puteh ni manja tapi ada kurap sikit kat hidung dia. Puteh sekor yang jantan, adik beradik dia yang lain semua betina. So nak kena kasikan dia ni...

Aku anggap ini sebagai Allah SWT memberi ujian dan hikmah kepada kami sekeluarga supaya lebih prihatin dan treat animals fairly. Bukan saja-saja kucing ni datang rumah kita...