Mengharungi hari-hari terakhir 2023

 Aku sorang kat rumah, anak-anak keluar pergi Kipmall. Nanti kena amik dioghang dalam pukul 4.00

Hari ni dah 28hb, pejam celik pejam celik dah sampai penghujung 2023. Tak lama dah aku akan memulakan gaya hidup baru bila aku tender resignation aku nanti, tentativenya tender 1 July 2024 (walaupun nanti salary ada naik sikit sbb ada salary adjustment).

Semalam pun ada tengok youtube, someone working in investment bank decided to quit although gaji dia banyak. Tapi dia dah ada income stream lain so ok la. Aku ni tak jumpa-jumpa lagi apa yang aku nak focus on. I wanted to start on youtube posting tapi tak sempat buat apa pun. Tak buat-buat pun 1 video. Tak sempat nak belajar dengan anak aku, Lutfi. Aku pun tak tahu, duit aku cukup ke tidak. Memang agak gamble tapi Alhamdulillah, husband aku dah boleh accept yang aku tak nak keje dah. Itu yang penting sebagai langkah permulaan. Selebihnya aku tawakal kepada Allah SWT supaya bukakan jalan untuk aku jana pendapatan baru.

I've set my mind to quit. There are so many whys on this:

Aku sendiri rasa aku underpaid. I know I have to be in charge of my worth (cari keje lain), I know everybody thinks they are underpaid. Aku rasa aku dah cukup sabar. Aku rasa kalau aku tak buat sesuatu, aku kena accept ke nasib aku camni? Kenapa aku tak cari keje lain dulu? Ntah la. Dulu aku rasa aku boleh accept sebab I was keen to learn. Sekarang, at this age I nak tenang-tenang saja. Masalahnya sekarang dunia dah berubah, VUCA. We have to change or else we will be left behind. Aku rasa aku ketinggalan, overtaken by the young ones. They are faster and quite agile.

Sebelum ni ada opportunity untuk naik tapi aku tak tampil ke depan. Aku tahu expectation daripada management sangat tinggi dan aku rasa aku belum layak. Bila pikir-pikir balik, dulu masa sekolah pun aku camtu. Maybe I don't like to be in the limelight, sbb tu meetings pun aku takda cakap banyak. So kalau aku takda niat untuk move up the ladder, why am I still here?

Sekarang baru aku tahu bagaimana rasa bila ada orang rasa kena drag pegi keje. Sebelum ni aku tak rasa camni. Selalu aku ok je nak pegi keje so that I can get things done and just look forward for the weekend. Tapi sekarang memang rasa malasnya kena pegi kerja, it's dragging me. Maybe I'm sick and tired of the same cycle and not interested in being involved.

I can't imagine myself driving to work for the next 10 or even 5 years. Not even another year.

I'm yearning to do something else. Pay more attention to the kids. Make our house a home cantik-cantik. Jaga diri...masak makanan sihat....

Volunteer to speak

 Today, I volunteered to participate in Toastmaster Club ad hoc speech...Well done to you!

Ujian Allah untuk aku

I had a bad day yesterday. Maybe it was not that bad but I felt so awful. I felt ashamed and couldn't let it go. I tried to reason with myself it was not that erroneous but I still felt crappy. I tried to forget about it to continue with my life but yet I couldn't get my mind not to think about it and felt dissatisfied, inferior.

I tried to reason with myself but I still could not comprehend why it happened to me. I tried to read between the lines what Allah SWT is trying to show me. I tried to seek solace by spending time with my family at dinner, hugging my husband and yet I was not at rest, not satisfied with the reasoning I came out with and could not let go of the incident.

I've been asking Allah SWT, what Allah SWT was trying to show me. Was it because I was proud of myself too much? Was it because I didn't really do a good job? I tried to defend myself but somehow I thought my action backfired and useless. Or things would start to unveil one by one that I haven't actually do a good job before my resignation? Was it because I laughed too much? At this point I still could not get the negative thoughts out of my mind. It made me feel inferior, scared and ashamed. Why? Why am I very afraid and nervous in front of the management? Why I felt overly concerned with the small hiccup and thought my world is going to be over? Until....

I woke early as usual and still could not be at peace about it. I got out of bed, solat tahajjud, taubat and hajat seeking relief from Allah SWT. Ya Allah, finally I found my peace. I was trying to recall my experience in the past few days. Among them was I was busy preparing telematch stuff for coming weekend, my cousin passed away on Sunday...and suddenly it struck me....

During the visit to my cousin's house, I couldn't empathize what the widow was feeling. Yes, I felt her loss but one thing I missed was how hard for her to accept the situation because it came as a shock. That Sunday morning was like any other day as my cousin (arwah) went out to jog nearby his house alone. Definitely his wife (now widow) didn't expect that was the last time she would see him.

How I relate this to my incident is now I know my reaction when I'm in shock. In my case, I felt relief having done a good job but later in the end was commented to improve in front of my management. That came as a surprise and I didn't expect the comment at all because I thought I did ok during the audit. To me this is a shocking news. So now I know how it feels like when I'm faced with a shocking news. I'll dwell and all the negative thoughts will start flooding in and poisoning my mind. I will start questioning why it happens, what I have done wrong. This is my reaction if I am in shock.....

The truth is, people don't actually care how I feel. OK, I may have done a mistake. I just need to accept it and do better next time. Yes, it was highlighted in front of the management, so what? 'She's a crap' they might say but should it affect me? It a way, I shall take note but don't have to feel overly concerned about it. Other people have worse experience than me and yet they survive. So I should too. Just get on with my life. There are other important things that matter to me and I should continue on.

About being too nervous and trying to avoid the management, it could be because of my childhood experience. I may have issues with authoritative figure....I may try to avoid them because I'm afraid of them. Afraid to be in front of them, afraid to converse with them. This may sound normal and common but I'm trying to figure out why. I should treat this behavior because my fear should only for Allah SWT.

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah SWT as I feel at ease now and let gone be bygone. Thank you Allah for showing me the lesson learnt from this experience. Thank you Allah for letting me know the feeling of loss and how devastated my cousin's wife must have felt right now.....

Lasik_My Wish Came True Part 2

 You can read Part 1 here

So my surgery date was set on 27 Oct. Aku tak sempat nak takut/ neves pun pasal lasik tu sebab sibuk dengan menda lain. Isnin amik half day jumpa sensei Jasmin pasal study dia. It's now open on the table that she's gonna drop JUP.

Pastu tak sempat nak muhasabah pasal tu, macam-macam kerja opis yg unexpected datang between Selasa and Khamis. Tupt tup tiba-tiba dah Jumaat 27 Oct.. Ada satu lagi event sebenarnya, husband aku balik Perlis sebab nak amik kereta baru Honda City Hatchback untuk ganti kereta Myvi aku...yang tu pun aku tak sempat nak excited.

The day: Friday 27 Oct 2023

Back to the surgery day, aku kena ada kat klinik kul 10.00 pagi. Aku mintak tolong member yang duduk dekat rumah aku tolong hantarkan. Pastu mintak tolong dia amik kul 1.00 nanti. Sbb right after surgery, vision akan kabur and tak selamat untuk drive.

Tunggu di ward

Bila sampai klinik, aku masih belum nervous. Sibuk inform colleagues and boss yang aku MC aritu. At 10.30 I was called and a nurse brought me upstairs. Ada ward rupanya and I need to change into baju OT. Seluat ketat sebab aku dah gemuk! Haha! tapi boleh la. Aku pakai inner sebab staff klinik yg call aku hari Khamis bagi tip suh bawak inner. Then aku pun tunggu sebab nurse kata nanti ada orang datang untuk cuci mata. Aku pun tunggu, nak dekat sejam jugak la...Aku masih lagi belum neves. Aku start nervous bila dia start pakaikan penutup telinga. Masih kat ward lagi masa tu. Then ada sorang lagi datang untuk bawak aku masuk OT sebab aku dah tak pakai spec kan masa tu....dia tolong pimpin tangan aku. Bila masuk OT, mmg dioghang pakai baju OT juga. Okay, this is it! My God! Ya Allah! Kau lancarkan lah surgery aku ni. Aku baca Bismillahi tawakatulAllah La Hawlawala kuwataillahbillahhilaliulazim....

The procedure

So dioghang suh aku baring and inform ada 2 machine. First, katil aku akan ditolak ke kiri untuk 1st machine, then ke kanan for the 2nd machine. 1st machine tu untuk potong lapisan atas agaknya. Dr pun  buatlah apa yang patut untuk tahan mata aku daripada berkelip. dia letak cam pengangkang and titik ubat kebas. Pastu dia kata nanti machine tu datang dekat mata, aku kena pandang je cahaya kat machine tu. Masa tu aku rasa macam dalam citer sci fi. Bila machine tu datang dekat dengan mata aku, tiber aku terbayang citer 'Eagle Eye' yg Shi Le Beouf berlakon tu. Then machine tu buat kerja, and the assistant akan countdown so aku boleh tahu bila process tu selesai. Countdown rasa tak sampai 1 minit per eye. 

Bila dah selesai 1st machine, dr kata 'ok, next is nak laser...' Gulp! Owh belum laser lagi ker? Aku kata dalam hati. So dioghang tolak katil aku ke kanan. This one, dr flip open the outer layer yang dipotong tadi. Imagine macam kita potong isi rambutan dengan pisau untuk dimakan. Tapi aku takda rasa apa-apa pun. Bila dah bukak, laser pun datang untuk buang power mata aku. Seyes tak rasa apa-apa, sebab kebas kot. Tapi memang ada bau hangit, bak kata Afie, member yang antar aku pagi tadi.  Ada countdown juga which aku rasa sangat membantu untuk aku bertahan and tahu procedure tu sekejap je.

Alhamdulillah, procedure selesai. Dr puji aku sebab tak nervous sangat. Alhamdulillah, semuanya dengan izin Allah SWT.

Right after the procedure

Aku balik ward ngam-ngam kul 12.30. So the whole process dalam 1 jam termasuk aku diinterview oleh technician machine tu dan consultancy dengan dr. Aku wassap member confirmkan aku dah abis. Afie memang dah ada masa aku turun. Penglihatan aku masih blur, macam kita swimming pastu air masuk mata. Memang kena orang lain drive kan balik. 

Aku banjer Afie Kenny Rogers ordered from GRAB (tak advise la beli, sbb kurengggg sikit...) Borak-borak dengan Afie dulu lepas makan sebelum titis ubat. Ada 3 jenis: eye drop, antibiotic and anti radang. Ada rasa pedih-pedih sikit tapi lama-lama hilang. Afie pun nak balik sambung kerja, aku pun nak tido.

Teringat lagi dr suh aku tido bila aku minta advise apa kena buat after procedure. Dia kata "balik rehat, jangan masak pulak...tido je" Aku rasa cam pelik, rasa cam mimpi bila orang suh kita tido. Selalunya aku tido sebab dah penat sangat atau memang dah tertido depan tv. IT really made me feel something when I just did nothing. I could feel how work can get me so caught up and ignore other things including myself.

Around Asar aku terjaga, Alhamdulillah dah clear, dah boleh nampak cuma rasa kering sikit. Dr kata eye drop takpa, boleh titis lebih kerap. Yg lain every 4 hours.

Petang tu lepas magkit dari tido, tergerak hati pulak nak check Youtube cari video pasal Lasik. Sib baik la tengok after dah buat procedure...haha! Kalau tak mau pikir 1,000 kali!

Day 1 after the procedure

Terjaga dari tido, aku bukak mata. Tak da rasa pedih. Aku boleh nampak benda, tak kabur dah. Sebab sebelum ni aku pemakai contact lense tegar, so yang ni rasa cam tu jugak sebab vision jelas. Kali ini bezanya, ini sebenarnya vision mata aku tanpa bantuan contact lense. Tak perlu risau tertido dengan contact lense dah (which is not good for the eyes) Alhamdulillah!

Bila nak mandi, aku masih angkat tangan ke muka konon nak bukak spec. Eh! Silap, mana aku ada pakai spec! Alhamdulillah!

And after this, no more visits to optometrist...ada la jugak kalau nak beli sunglasses kan. No more eye products like cleaners, casing, kain wipe spec. No need to know about brands e.g Hoya, Ziess lense etc.

One less to think about (and whatever related to it e.g cost, worry nanti dah tua camna). Though I have not feel the liberation yet. Nanti bila aku start buat yoga kot....

I still have my glasses and contact lenses yang belum pakai....simpan sekejap before I say goodbye...

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah diatas rezeki yang Engkau limpahkan ini. Semoga aku istiqamah menyembahMu Tuhan sekalian alam....Aminnnnn

For record keeping here:

My procedure is Presbyond using femtosecond laser. Left eye corrected 100%, Right eye corrected 400 out of 600, simpan sikit untuk rabun dekat

Lasik_My Wish Came True Part 1

 Aku tak sempat nak post pasal aku buat lasik. Kalau sebelum ni, aku pasti akan buat countdown atau tulis pasal aku punya survey on lasik. Tapi tak tahu kenapa, memang aku tak sempat. Banyak benda yang aku suka buat dulu, aku tak buat dah...dulu aku ingat, weekend aku sanggup ngadap laptop survey holiday la, plan renovation la. Tapi sekarang aku malas nak bukak laptop on weekend...nape ek? 

Agaknya sebab sekarang aku guna laptop opis kot. Aku rasa nyampah nak bukak laptop. Nyampah tengok email, nyampah tengok folder...all reminds me of work. Some people ok je, cam laki aku. I think they really embrace 'Work from Anywhere'...whereas aku masih nak ada boundary between work and personal. Dulu aku ingat aku boleh work from anywhere tapi somehow aku yang pressure diri aku sendiri. Maybe boss takda cari pun tapi aku yang gelisah kot-kot boss cari. Aku tak pandai menyambil buat kerja lain tapi aku dok duduk depan laptop (ni kat rumah ni). Ada orang dia boleh pegi keluar amik anak la, bayar bil la etc...

Tiba-tiba nak buat LASIK?

Enough about my mumbling.Let's go back to cerita lasik. Macam mana aku tiber nak buat lasik? Masa tu aku try nak pikir apa lagi yang aku kena buat before aku berenti kerja. Sbb bila dah berenti nanti, duit tak masuk. Sekarang la kalau ada apa-apa nak beli sementara ada duit gaji. Sebelum ni masa lasik tengah viral possibly 2008 onwards, ada orang opis buat lasik dengan Prof Muhaya. Agaknya masa tu seram lagi dengar laser treatment plus duit pun tak berapa nak ada masa tu, aku takda la nak buat. Aku prefer pakai contact lense lagi masa tu. Then end 2019 masa check mata kat Menara Seksyen 7, orang tu kata mata aku ada sel darah mati. Aku ada citer kat sini Since then aku tukar ke daily contact lense tapi aku jimat-jimat pakai bila perlu sebab mahal kan. Aku pun start pakai cermin mata pegi opis.

DAILY CONTACT LENSE + CERMIN MATA = COSTLY

My first prescription with new glasses was around RM2,200 sekali dengan daily contact lense. Entitlement untuk claim RM750 saja. Quite mahal la pada aku. Then, after a while aku agak sebab jarang pakai contact lense, bila aku pakai nanti aku rasa tak selesa dan tak berapa terang. Aku rasa pakai cermin mata lagi baik, lebih selesa.

Cuma bila pakai cermin mata ni, kena berjaga-jaga, kena ingat letak kat mana. Power aku masa prescirption tu dalam 5.50 dan 5.75 (kalau prescription cermin mata lagi banyak dlm 600). Kalau tak ingat mana aku letak, meraba-raba la aku mencari sebab rabun aku tinggi kan. Selalu memang kalau depan mata pun tak nampak! 

Pastu rajin berkabus la bila kita exercise. Aku pun ada malas nak buat yoga sebab bila kita terbalik buat downward dog ke apa, spec tu mesti lah terkeluar/tergantung...basically aku rasa tak selesa la.

BILIK AIR BERDAKI PENYEBAB NAK BUAT LASIK

Apa yang buat aku tekad nak buat lasik sedangkan dulu aku takut? Simple jek. Selalu kalau mandi kat bilik air mesti kita bukak cermin mata kan. Then 1 hari, aku masuk bilik air masa nak mandi aku terlupa bukak cermin mata. Bila aku masuk, baru aku perasan bilik air aku berdaki! Selama ni aku ingat bilik air aku bersih...adoii! Terus rasa nak buat lasik to end the misery! Kuang3x

I think I brought the matter up to my husband after Raya 2023 (July) kot. Dia kata nanti dia tanya kawan dia buat kat mana. Aku pun ada tanya cousin yg buat kat Vista Puchong (RM1,999 per eye). My friend Zied, buat ngan Prof Muhaya last 2 years (RM6,000++ per eye). So it's kinda common now. Orang yg I tanya have no subsequent problems after the surgery. So if everyone is fine, what am I afraid of? I didn't need to think further, lasik is the answer for rabun people....

Then aku dapat tahu aku punya officemate punya adik ada buat kat Bangi, Seksyen 3. Dekat nau dengan rumah aku. So dah terlanjur dekat aku gi la terjah hari Sabtu kul 10.00 pagi. Kebetulan ramai orang masa tu, terus tak jadi. Bila tanya reception, dia kata kalau nak jumpa dr kena bayar RM500 dulu. Adeh! mahai bebenor. What if mata tak sesuai buat lasik? Pastu aku tanya kalau buat lasik range harga dalam berapa? Reception kata dalam RM5,000 - RM8,000. Okay, aku catit dulu. Dia pun advise datang weekdays kalau tak mau tunggu lama.

1st EXPERIENCE

Later on 3rd Oct, aku ajak husband pegi clinic yang kawan dia pegi (Advance Vision Eye Specialist) kat Damansara. Aku ada google up the clinic and apparently harga dia tak mahal. 1st screening tak perlu bayar apa-apa. Subsequent appointment baru bayar RM100. So kami pegi and get my eyes checked. Alhamdulillah boleh buat lasik tapi dia kata tak ubat rabun dekat. Treatment dia nama Trans PRK. Harga dia RM5,588 + RM3,000 sebab kena treat astigmatism.  Tapi masalahnya kliniknya jauh. Nanti lepas surgery, kena datang follow up dalam 4-5 kali juga. Dah la nak parking pun payah. So after due deliberation, since harga tak jauh beza dengan klinik Bangi aku decide buat di Bangi saja. Nak pegi follow up check up senang nanti.

PUSAT PAKAR MATA BANGI

Sebenarnya aku plan nak buat bulan Dec, bila kat opis tak havoc sangat. Selalunya orang akan amik cuti Dec so kurang la sikit kerja-kerja yang ad hoc. Nak dijadikan cerita, aku cuba pegi Pusat Pakar Mata Bangi hari Jumaat 20 Oct kul 2.30 ptg. Bila aku sampai reception kata orang ramai, memang aku tak sempat jumpa doktor. Ni kali kedua aku datang, tak sempat nak jumpa doktor. Aku pelik klinik Bangi ni tak boleh buat appointment, kena walk in. Reception tu advise aku datang esok hari Sabtu kul 9.30 pagi. So I did and I waited until 10.30 and finally I got my eyes checked!

So the screening lebih kurang macam kat Damansara. Cuma kat sini dia buat Presbyond treatment meaning akan treat aku punya rabun dekat juga. WoW! Ini sudah bagus! Tapi bila tanya betul-betul, rabun dekat ni sebenarnya tak boleh dielakkan. Memang akan ada bila kita menua nanti. Cuma dengan treatment ni, dia melambatkan aku pakai spec rabun dekat 5 tahun lagi. Tak kisah la...orang mata sihat pun memang akan ada rabun dekat.

Person in charge tu juga explain the differences betwen LASIK, PRK and SMILE. Dia kata dr suggest aku buat LASIK. Faster recovery and harga rendah sikit daripada SMILE. Aku OK kan jer, dah tak sabar tak payah pakai cermin mata. Aku pun tak sempat nak buat study differences between the surgeries, aku tahu LASIK jek.

Memula dia set surgery aku 3 Nov. Bila aku bagitau husband, dia kata nape tak buat next week? So aku call balik klinik nak ubah tarikh surgery to 27 Oct, cepat seminggu. Masa tu aku memang tak da rasa takut ke apa, sebab dok pikir pasai kerja kat opis. I kept telling myself, if other people can, why can't I?.....

to be continued...

Tarik Nafas! Hembus!....

 Aduh...baru sempat bernafas ni. My last post was in July, skrg dah hujung Okt. Tak ingat 3 bulan dok buat apa. Oooo...mungkin kami fokus kepada Jasmin sejak dia snap masa Hari Raya Haji bulan Jun aritu. Kira bulan July dan Aug, kami layan dia pegi balik Beranang setiap hari, so dia tak stay kat kolej. Kami ada gi Avilion Port Dickson and Tiong Trove kat Perak.

Alhamdulillah, Jasmin nampak kembali seperti dia. Dia dah start stay kat asrama bulan Aug agaknya. Harini ada perjumpaan dengan lecturer dia. Last exam, dia ada fail 1 subject. Disebabkan itu dia tak boleh fly ke Jepun. So to us is 'what's next?'....I admit I felt a bit disppointed but maybe Allah SWT has other plans for her. I know Allah has other plans for her. I could only do my best as a mother to care and support her.

Bulan Sept, mak datang Bangi for a week. Kami layan pegi picnic kat GIBS, Ulu Yam on weekend. Pastu aku amik cuti hari Rabu 27 Sept, bawak mak tengok demo masak K Zaida Ibrahim. Sebelum ni mak selalu sebut nama K Zaida, tgh fb dia, masak Nasi Ayam guna resepi dia, beli product online etc. I guess my mum really likes her so tu yang bawak dia. Kalau nak tengok demo dia masak, free je pastu studio dia kat Puchong. Ok la....doable. Alhamdulillah, dapat penuhi hajat mak.

Sept jugak, ada pegi Kuala Terengganu. Ad hoc plan! Huish, dah lama tak buat keje camni...main terjah je. Husband memang dok cari baju batik sebelum ni, nak buat pakai pergi keje hari Khamis. Kami memang dah round kedai-kedai kat Bangi tapi hubby tak berapa minat design kot. Kalau yang dia minat, aku pulak tak berkenan sebab macam design lama. Pastu nak dijadkan cerita, dah keluar pekeliling wajib pakai baju batik so hari Rabu malam dia tanya aku 'kat mana ada banyak jual baju batik?' Aku jawab la 'Pasar Payang' tapi tak sangka la pulak response dia "Ok, jom weekend ni pegi Kuala Terengganu.." Err....err....aku macam ada plan nak kemas rumah sebelum mak datang tapi takkan nak tolak bila orang ajak pegi jalan-jalan kan... Aku pun kata OK. Memang ad hoc gila. Pegi semata-mata nak beli baju batik...haha!

Since dah boleh bernafas sikit ni, aku kena recap balik and jot down things I need to do on household and retirement....and weight management...next post ya

 

Weight Management Week 4

 Start 11 Jul Weight 80.1kg

Harini mcm dah masuk Week 4.